I’ve been greeting these dreams… the dreams are like movies.. with a plot, mystery, protagonist/s, …
While at the start of it I seem to be the main character…. as the story progresses at the finish it seems I am suddenly not the main character and I become an on looker. One of the bystanders of the story.
What does this mean? The weird part is my role is replaced by someone I know or had known.
It’s just weird. And a bit disappointing.
Love,
How long has it been?
How long has it been since you loved?
How long has it been since you’ve loved anything?
How long has it been?
How long has it been since you lost your love?
How long has it been since you’ve lost your love for anything? And everything.
How long has it been?
How long has it been since you felt something ?
Something flicker inside, like a tube light’s hope.
What seemed like a terrible lie, to see and feel some form of love, turning into a life giving truth.
When you want to protect your family,
Take them under your wing,
Hug them tight and tell them everything is going to be alright,
You got me, I am here,
I can take care of it,
You don’t need to worry.
When all you want to say to them is,
Ease now, now you can spend your days doing what you want to,
I’ll take care of the expenses,
I’ll take care of the money responsibilities,
Don’t worry, I am here.
But you feel powerless cause you actually need their support now more than ever,
Financially and emotionally,
Cause I don’t want to place myself in the same situation, to get stuck in one place without trying out things,
And maybe never knowing or always wondering what I could’ve been.
I know what I am willing to do,
I know I want to give them all the happiness in the world,
But I also know what I don’t want to do.
I don’t want to be stuck and miserable.
I want to first try,
So hold on a little longer,
I’ll set you free while I give myself wings.
Why and why,
do I feel like an embarrassment lump, slugged into a corner and just wants to become a liquid and vaporize to nowhere,
After having a conversation,
Especially when I talk to people, who I want to liked by.
I keep revisiting and replaying the conversations to an unhealthy amount of time.
And I always am so critical and always want to burst out declaring how much I am bad.
(Even though I know I am not)
It’s just this feeling and the critical mass of a devil becoming big and over powering my everyday activities, and the work I know I can do.
Knowing you can absolutely crush it, but the black mass peering out it’s head and literally stop me from living my life.
Now that I have separated and identified it as a another foreign self, I am staring it face to face.
I am telling it, what if I am awkward, it’s okay.
yes I know the message, I have to love myself. I just thought yeah you have to love yourself of all your perfections and imperfections. I got the ‘message’. I knew about the message. I am an advocate for that message.
But only day before yesterday I released, I didn’t have to actively stop being awkward.
You can’t. But thats okay.
Self acceptance and being comfortable in your own skin, do not happen in a day.
You have to stop fighting and let your self be you, without any apology.
Even though you are awkward. Be awkward. It’s part of who you are currently.
People who are gonna like you, will like you for you, not because of the facade you put forth.
I can’t live like that. I have to be authentically me. Even though I am awkward I have to accept my awkwardness as a part of me.
Tell myself it’s okay over and over again. To be myself as a whole.
I am proud of what I believe in. So why shouldn’t I be who I am, when I am proud of my core?
From the bottom of my heart, I am telling you this..
It’s okay.
Only she knows,
the what, the when
the how and the why.
Can’t I ever do what I am excited about doing ?
Can I even dream of living freely?
Why can’t we as a race, have come to a place where artificial being we created is ‘recommending’ what we will likely watch next,
But still are adamant on a sleep deprived – work “force-d”
So many things you can watch,
So many things you can learn,
So many days you can sit in and nobody would notice you were gone.
So much information available,
So many chances you can get,
So many faces you can “meet”,
But all we do is set so many expectations that are never met.
What is the point in having a kindness deprived world of people, who are biologically rewarded to love, but forgot or forced to forget how to?
When you really try to adapt to whatever and wherever you are,
When you really try to ignore people who have low human manners as respect,
When you really try to put you doubts and self doubts behind and forge forward,
When all you want is to go for the life you want,
The emotions stop you, hinder to even start the process, the pain of past revisiting you and the avoidance of accepting and moving with in that you feel lonely..
I want to connect with you.
I will not running away from myself, but stay with me and support me, and grow into a brighter self, a self that I don’t cheat myself off of doing and being what I want to be.
I am trying,
I am willing,
Fulfilling my being.
Why do people expect you to have a dream set out when you are 12 or 21?
Why do schools want you to “select” a path when you can’t even decide your favourite colour?
Why are you expected to follow that same path ,that was given to you.
Aren’t ‘Adults’ suppose to have lived through it and be experienced?
or Do many of them not know yet?
But Why are they teachers, or the people who are supposed to look after society?
Do they not know better?
or many of them refuse to open their eyes ?
Is it greed or fear?
but why do so many people who are supposedly guiding you, put you in the same box they are trying to not be in?
Do they not know better or is their ego stopping them?
Hey you lil bird,
Are you afraid?
Do you feel like you are cheating everyone including yourself?
Do you feel cold from all the shivering,
From the fear everyone will find out,
The fraud you are,
The mask of confidence you put on to fool everyone,
The strong scent you put on to hide your weak self,.
Are you afraid it will all come into light?
Are you afraid that they’ll find out,
How afraid you really are?
Living a lie which you desperately want to be true..
In fear everyday, that your luck will catch up?
Cause I am. I am afraid. That is the truth. I can’t hide from myself. I don’t want to hide myself from the world.
So, let me tell you. I am afraid.
What do you do when you have a near barren heart and is close to run out of the ‘feeling of being loved’?
Do you know what I do?
I watch dramas and movies with compassion and love.
That’s how I recharge.
Yes, I do have my never ending self-love reserve but sometimes you need something externally.
When the environment you surround yourself with, may be draining and may be you are surrounded by people who don’t express how much they appreciate you or love you.
So what I do is, get that recharge from the characters with compassion and the stories with determination, honesty and love.
Love, not just for a person but love for their work, the pursuit and achievement of the dreams.
When you go into that world and comeback, you feel recharged.
In other word, inspired at times.
(ex: Wonder Woman, pursuit of happyness,….)
So how do you recharge when you lack love in your heart, for you and your dreams?
O.O.O 