I’ve been greeting these dreams… the dreams are like movies.. with a plot, mystery, protagonist/s, …
While at the start of it I seem to be the main character…. as the story progresses at the finish it seems I am suddenly not the main character and I become an on looker. One of the bystanders of the story.
What does this mean? The weird part is my role is replaced by someone I know or had known.
It’s just weird. And a bit disappointing.
Hello World!
Like the first words of the internet world, this is my announcement that I am back!
What did I do? or Who the hell are you talking to ‘girl’? you might ask..
Well, just wrote some posts on what I felt and didn’t write anything for a while because my brain became a mush from not interacting or having fun times, yes, even before quarantine time I was sort in one, when I went to “study” my graduate degree.
I reflected on many things while being on quarantine but in my familiar home space, and I still concluded I hated it. and that the end of it.
Did I grow as a person, maybe, maybe not. But did a learn a lot of humans. Yes. I mean different types. It was like you were doing a reality show and you couldn’t really go out side. But all I did was, use all my energy to try not to pick up a fight. Thus the self-doubt, self questioning, lack of word formation or any thought for that matter were problems I faced.
It felt like I wasn’t real, and I had to write that “I was real, and I had feeling” with pencil near my bedside to remind myself of it.
So, My conclusion, I can form thoughts again now. Yay! and I took a bet on myself to regain what I want to do in life.
I will be back with my thoughts, feelings and reflections! Stay tuned!
Is blogging even a thing now?!
I am going to do it anyway,… I like Youtube and Instagram..but there are just too many distractions and flashy things, that a simple article, blog post and a podcast doesn’t have that can make you feel like regaining your power from distractions.
Love Always,
Vantsy105
While the new coronavirus panic have shuffled our priorities on cleanliness, social distancing and immunity boosting practices, I realised my ancestors were germaphobes. Hear me out..
Say no to bacteria! This was and still continues to be the cultural embodiment though we just do it without questioning it.
We greet each other without touching the other person (Namaste!),
We love the anti-bacterial turmeric in everything, cause turmeric is bae
We are big on probiotics and good gut bacteria. We always have curd, love fermented rice+ bater steamed pancake, and chilli powder, salt based pickled mango, garlic, lemon…
and we never bring back the outside whatever soil into our home, why would you? keep your shoes outside!
You are practically a non-touchable-repulser till you take a bath from head to toe, after attending a funeral
In rural villages from my ancestral side, they used to coat their outside floor surfaces with cow’s extract, anti bacterial gold (though, even cows’ diet were better back then)
(Not strictly anti bacterial) women are or were given separate rooms and weren’t allowed to do work when they are on their periods. I’d like to believe it is to give her a rest space.
We forgot the science behind. Someone got lazy and just told kids something bad will happen if done otherwise. They where never told the why and superstition stemmed here.
This is why education is important kids. And more importantly is to ask the question why.
P.S And for those who have the question of why Indian curries are mostly yellowish.. its because we use turmeric and other spices delicious to your immune system (the ancestors are like, you are welcome)
Always Love,
Vantsy105
I have to tell the truth.
I have to accept the truth.
Right now, I am a coward.
I coward who cannot bring her self to eat alone.
A coward who has money to buy food, pays monthly to eat in mess but doesn’t
cause I am too scared to eat alone, while people stare at me, judge me and check their box again that I am weird and I have no friends.
I am a person unable to make friends and in capable of forming some sort of even fake relationship, that i don’t have anyone to eat with, anyone to make them care a pinch about me.
You know what hurts the most, not that i don’t have any friends here,
its just that I would rather not eat for days, even though i so badly want to eat, and I am so hungry and spend rest of the time thinking about food, even though the food is right there, just a 300 m walk.
Its so pathetic, I don’t know how I am going to survive the rest of the 8 months here.
I am afraid, if I continue like this I might become seriously ill but even then no one would notice or again think I am weird, and give me more looks.
I know how pathetic this is and how pathetic I might look to those people I literally run behind just to eat one meal a day.
I feel awful, and I don’t know why I do this to myself. My pride has been beaten up and buried to the ground. Yet i refuse to eat with that pathetic look on my face. I’d rather die of hunger than eat.
I feel so awfully pathetic and ashamed. I just want to eat. Please.
Why am I writing this here. I don’t know.
I still feel like the small girl who was too proud to cry but ate alone.
The current self wants to run.
The current self want to open up, cry, hug, dance and fall apart.
So sick of hiding, so long I’ve been hiding
forgotten what was it I was/am hiding.
The true self , afraid to show to the world.
Seen rejection in small but lethal scale,
Never again it said,
looking itself in its hard wall room,
but listening in and wanting so badly to get outside.
It wants to get outside.
I want to show my true self.
Like any rusty personality, I may upset those worlds near me,
But it is at a point, arriving fast at a point that it doesn’t care of dying.
Social Suicide is better than inner self murder any day.
Love,
How long has it been?
How long has it been since you loved?
How long has it been since you’ve loved anything?
How long has it been?
How long has it been since you lost your love?
How long has it been since you’ve lost your love for anything? And everything.
How long has it been?
How long has it been since you felt something ?
Something flicker inside, like a tube light’s hope.
What seemed like a terrible lie, to see and feel some form of love, turning into a life giving truth.
When you want to protect your family,
Take them under your wing,
Hug them tight and tell them everything is going to be alright,
You got me, I am here,
I can take care of it,
You don’t need to worry.
When all you want to say to them is,
Ease now, now you can spend your days doing what you want to,
I’ll take care of the expenses,
I’ll take care of the money responsibilities,
Don’t worry, I am here.
But you feel powerless cause you actually need their support now more than ever,
Financially and emotionally,
Cause I don’t want to place myself in the same situation, to get stuck in one place without trying out things,
And maybe never knowing or always wondering what I could’ve been.
I know what I am willing to do,
I know I want to give them all the happiness in the world,
But I also know what I don’t want to do.
I don’t want to be stuck and miserable.
I want to first try,
So hold on a little longer,
I’ll set you free while I give myself wings.
You know what I want.
I want to be loved.
Isn’t that all we all want?
Being able to speak to people without feeling shitty afterwards. (Cause you didn’t know how to talk, or behave as a normal conversing human would)
Inspite of jumbling up words and not making sense. Feeling embarrassed every second of your lived life, is nothing to be proud of.
I want to be me again.
me but with better and improved version with new and upgraded tools.
Breath baby breath.
You don’t look around but you feel all eyes on you.
You should feel good enough, but all you do is dig a deeper hole to hide yourself in.
You want to feel normal, be excited about things, able to make friends, know how to joke, when to laugh for a joke.
When you feel alone cause the things that interest you doesn’t interest any person you meet. Left to feel like it doesn’t matter.
Forced to smile and laugh, when all you want to do is run away.
All you want is acceptance for your personality rather than judgement.
Why doesn’t she talk? Does she think she knows everything? Who does she thinks she is?
Oh why can’t you eat this? Why won’t you eat this? Don’t be so uptight. Smile a little.
You are not me. I don’t judge you for your choice of food. I am caring. I love to have deep conversations. I hate being fake. I forget things. I make silly mistakes all the time. I choose truth almost all the time. I love my alone time when I know I am loved and I am safe. I am not flaky. I hate flaky people. Stick to your words, you make them important.
I want you to genuinely like to get to know me.
And I want to do so many things in life, be so many things in life.
But I always want my alone time. With good food, good people, good space and good sleep.
Why and why,
do I feel like an embarrassment lump, slugged into a corner and just wants to become a liquid and vaporize to nowhere,
After having a conversation,
Especially when I talk to people, who I want to liked by.
I keep revisiting and replaying the conversations to an unhealthy amount of time.
And I always am so critical and always want to burst out declaring how much I am bad.
(Even though I know I am not)
It’s just this feeling and the critical mass of a devil becoming big and over powering my everyday activities, and the work I know I can do.
Knowing you can absolutely crush it, but the black mass peering out it’s head and literally stop me from living my life.
Now that I have separated and identified it as a another foreign self, I am staring it face to face.
I am telling it, what if I am awkward, it’s okay.
yes I know the message, I have to love myself. I just thought yeah you have to love yourself of all your perfections and imperfections. I got the ‘message’. I knew about the message. I am an advocate for that message.
But only day before yesterday I released, I didn’t have to actively stop being awkward.
You can’t. But thats okay.
Self acceptance and being comfortable in your own skin, do not happen in a day.
You have to stop fighting and let your self be you, without any apology.
Even though you are awkward. Be awkward. It’s part of who you are currently.
People who are gonna like you, will like you for you, not because of the facade you put forth.
I can’t live like that. I have to be authentically me. Even though I am awkward I have to accept my awkwardness as a part of me.
Tell myself it’s okay over and over again. To be myself as a whole.
I am proud of what I believe in. So why shouldn’t I be who I am, when I am proud of my core?
From the bottom of my heart, I am telling you this..
It’s okay.
O.O.O 